It’s a sad day for me today. I found out through Facebook a friend of mine died.
I can’t help but feel guilt. It’s been so long since I saw this person I don’t know if I have any right to be sad about it.
All of it has me thinking about all the people in my life I have lost and all the people I still have.
They always say cherish the ones you have now. No one tells you how much time and money really does get in the way.
Most of my family lives in the south and most of my friends have become strangers and we haven’t stayed in touch really.
I want to tell them how much I love them and how much I miss them. I want them to know I think about them all the time.
I don’t think telling them could express how much I want to be with them.
I could pick up the phone, but I feel so much guilt.
When I do pick up the phone, I have no words. I don’t know what to say, my mind goes blank. From the silence on the other end I can tell they are stuck too.
It breaks my heart that we have become so distant.
For the friends I had, I feel like I’m a bother, boring, out of place. Though I’d love to hear their stories about where they have been wland what they have gone through since we last spoke.
Strangers we are all becoming…
I remember when we were close. I remember the frogs and crawdads we use to catch, the boys we ran away from and wrote “future” letters about, the times I sat beside them as they just needed to cry, but didn’t want to be alone.
I remember the garden we worked in together, the fields we ran in, the fish we caught together while wading in Fires creek.
I remember climbing up in their laps and being spoiled with stories, candy, picking and singing.
I remember when friend or family, they all was my family.
And I still hold on to the feeling. I’d still drop everything and come help them if I could.
I want it back, I want to be close and feel close without the judgement that’s seems to be lurking on every corner anymore.
I want to see you, I want be with you, and I still remember you.
BUT maybe it’s just me, being a corny female who feels big and loud.
I still feel the guilt. I wish I had the resources to travel more and my husband’s time wasn’t owned by the workforce. I wish I knew how to talk to you.